For me, Kintsugi is a visual representation of the jagged, crooked, painful lines of grief….broken, restored, beautiful, strong, whole again, and never forgotten.
]]>A loss hurts so very deeply, only because we love so very deeply. And that love doesn’t go away when our loved one goes away.
Somehow, somewhere…in time, we learn to continue living, loving and transitioning that grief until it settles deep in our hearts. Although our broken heart will always bear the scars of our grief.
This is where Kintsugi comes into the picture. I first learned about this art form while reading Dan Pink’s Power of Regret.
Kintsugi, is a traditional Japanese art form dating back to the 15th century and involves repairing broken pottery with a lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Instead of trying to hide the cracks and imperfections, Kintsugi accentuates them, turning what was once broken into something uniquely beautiful.
For me, Kintsugi is a visual representation of the jagged, crooked, painful lines of grief….broken, restored, beautiful, strong, whole again, and never forgotten.
As we navigate the journey through grief a few lessons come to mind:
Acknowledge the Break
Rumi says: You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.
Acknowledging our heartbreak is the first step in the journey through grief toward hope.
Celebrate the Beauty in the Break
Kintsugi artists don’t ignore cracks in the pottery or try to hide them. In fact, they celebrate the cracks, and create beauty within.
Allow the Break to Transform You
We all have this strength within to transform our heartbreak into something strong, beautiful and resilient.
It is this transformation that helps the days move forward, it recognizes that the sun will come out, that the birds will sing, and life will go on.
We are Kintsugi.
Photo Courtsy of Unsplash
@Riho Kitagawa
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I am grateful to have been featured on the Gritty Guru Podcast by Haze (hazlon) Schepmyer
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From Grow My Grit
Episode 29: Growing through Grief with GRIT
“As death was happening around me, I could feel life happening around me. My senses were really, really heightened.”
In this courageous conversation, Katty Douraghy shares her experiences as an adult orphan and she offers some of the insights captured in her moving memoir, The Butterfly Years: A Journey Through Grief Toward Hope.
Katty’s mission is to demystify grief and create spaces where people can talk about it, as well as loss and death, without feeling rushed or judged. While exploring themes of meditation and post-traumatic growth, she believes our greatest journey is through self-reflection, self-discovery and the process of TransforMEtion (her T word in GRIT).
Listen here
https://lnkd.in/dYv5aT_A
Death cafés and death dinners allow a chance to speak about one’s loss. In addition to the Butterfly Years book and journal, several other online resources and books are available to help when you are ready to embark on your journey toward hope.
Books
Podcasts
Sometimes we have a hard time articulating what is going on and how we are feeling. The following words of grief can help name our emotion. Once we've named them, we can start working through them and address them.
]]>The following words of grief can help name our emotion. Once we've named them, we can start working through them and address them.
Afraid
Anxious
Angry
Blah!
Beat
Confused
Cautious
Dark
Denial
Depressed
Disappointed
Disbelief
Disconnected
Disgust
Disinterested
Distrust
Envy
Exhausted
Frustrated
Guilty
Grieving
Heartache
Heartbreak
Heavy
Hopeless
Hurt
Judgment
Lonely
Lost
Misunderstood
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Pain
Panic
Pity
Regret
Resentful
Restless
Shame
Shock
Sorrow
Stressed
Suffering
Tense
Tired
Torn
Weary
Worry
]]>The worst thing to do is to do nothing, or say nothing.
At the very least we want to acknowledge the loss even if means saying “I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.”
Don’t use empty cliché words such as “ They are in a better place”, or at least “They lived a good life”. Yes they did, but now they are gone and the pain is unavoidable.
We don’t need to give advice, or to judge who is grieving how. We just need to be there for them.
Megan Divine in her book, “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” shares some suggestions for helping others in their grief:
Sometimes, the best thing to do is just to BE.
]]>On a piece of 3x5 size paper, have each person write a farewell message to the person you are mourning. Finish any unfinished sentences. Say your goodbyes.
» Fold the paper in quarters.
» After a moment of silence, throw the paper in the fireplace.
(If no fireplace, create a safe way to burn the paper and release the message.)
No need to share the details with anyone else in the group, unless you want to.
Every month we will share a TransforMEtion calendar filled with inspiration and tips to start and continue your transformational journey toward hope and growth.
]]>Every month we will share a TransforMEtion calendar filled with inspiration and tips to start and continue your transformational journey toward hope and growth.
]]>
Every month we will share a TransforMEtion calendar filled with inspiration and tips to start and continue your transformational journey toward hope and growth.
]]>Every month we will share a TransforMEtion calendar filled with inspiration and tips to start and continue your transformational journey toward hope and growth.
]]>To transform, I have to go within..discard who I was before my loss and embrace who I have become. This new version on ME.
Life after loss is different. And I am different after loss.
Through this journey of grief, I have to go within in order to emerge once again.
This is transforMEtion.
I have to truly look at the ME I was before I can become the new version of ME.
]]>Life after loss is different. And I am different after loss.
Through this journey of grief, I have to go within in order to emerge once again.
This is transforMEtion.
I have to truly look at the ME I was before I can become the new version of ME.
]]>
Every month we will share a TransforMEtion calendar filled with inspiration and tips to start and continue your transformational journey toward hope and growth.
]]>Every month we will share a TransforMetion calendar filled with inspiration and tips to start and continue your transformational journey toward hope and growth.
]]>I went to see the King Tut Exhibit at the Los Angeles Science Center. As we walked in to the exhibit, I saw a quote on the wall from the Egyptian Book of the Dead in big beautiful gold lettering that said "Speak the name of the dead to make them live again."
Ancient Egyptians believed that we died twice. Once when our physical body died, and then a second time when our name was spoken for the last time.
As I stood there staring at the quote, I realized why I needed to write my story. I needed to keep my loved ones alive by memorializing their names in writing. Writing the memoir had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Their stories needed to be heard.
]]>My husband, Jamie, who couldn’t travel with me for work reasons, had a friend who lived in Rome and encouraged me to call her. So I met Maya Marcia Wieder for coffee, and that encounter had a profound impact on my life.
Maya, at that time, had already authored six books. In our two-hour coffee meeting, she shared how she created the outlines for her books, where she got her inspiration, and what her writing process consisted.
Over the next few days, as I walked throughout Rome by myself, my mind was filled with ideas, while my belly was happily filled with gelato and pasta. A seed had been planted that I couldn’t ignore. Perhaps I, too, could write a book!
I intended for my journal to be a self-help manual and incorporate some of my lessons learned as I had navigated the journey through grief. I wanted to help others and share the tools I had embraced while I was grieving deeply. I wanted to share how I had learned to live alongside grief.
As I sat down to create a grief journal, though, a different story emerged. No matter how much I tried to suppress this deviation from my original intent, the history of my loved ones who had died dominated my writing. The harder I tried to create a journal, the more my memoir filled the pages.
I struggled. A memoir was not the book I had set out to write. Who would want to read my story? I wasn’t someone famous. I had not accomplished extraordinary feats. I was just someone who had lost six family members in a short period of time.
A year passed, and I had only succeeded in writing a few disjointed chapters. I was still struggling with telling this story. I had allowed self-doubt to creep in.
One day, Jamie and I went to see the King Tut Exhibit at the Los Angeles Science Center. As we walked in to the exhibit, I saw a quote on the wall from the Egyptian Book of the Dead in big beautiful gold lettering that said "Speak the name of the dead to make them live again."
Ancient Egyptians believed that we died twice. Once when our physical body died, and then a second time when our name was spoken for the last time. It was as if my loved ones had pushed me to this place.
As I stood there staring at the quote, I realized why I needed to write my story. I needed to keep my loved ones alive by memorializing their names in writing. Writing the memoir had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Their stories needed to be heard.
Since I don’t have children, the only way that I can keep their memories alives is to tell their story and say their names.
These are my loved ones who are no longer physically with me, and who remain alive in my heart:
Once I knew my purpose, I was able to focus on writing my book, The Butterfly Years, a journey from grief toward hope. It took two more years to complete it and finally I released the book on the 10th Honorversary of my parent’s death in 2021.
And then, and only then, I was able to turn my attention to what I had originally intended. To create a journal and share the lessons I had learned and the practices that helped me learn to live with loss.
I’ve created the Butterfly Years journal as a daily transformation from grief to growth so that others carry on their unfinished conversations with their loved ones.
This is not a Grief Journal. I’d rather think of it as a hope journal and one that can lead to personal growth, despite the grief we’ve all endured.
Many have asked about the connection of the two. I hope both the book and journal can provide some solace in this journey from grief toward hope and growth.
~ Katty
]]>Living with grief is our new reality, and we need time to get acquainted with this new version of ourselves. We are now a variation of who we were, an alternation of the fabric of the person we were before our loss occurred. Going through this transformation, although painful, does provide us the opportunity to learn how to live with grief and grow into a stronger version of ourselves.
Although it may seem unattainable at first, we can transform our grief into growth one day at a time by focusing on ourselves.
I call it transforMEtion.
]]>Whether your loss occurred suddenly or over the course of a long illness, and whether it happened recently or many years ago, each of our journeys through grief is unique. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the loss of one’s business, one’s relationship, or of a beloved pet, grief is messy.
No one knows how long we’ll be on this path, although friends and families may expect us to stop grieving, move on with our lives, and get back to “normal” quickly. They mean well and only want the best for us. However, living with grief is our new reality, and we need time to get acquainted with this new version of ourselves.
We are now a variation of who we were, an alternation of the fabric of the person we were before our loss occurred. Going through this transformation, although painful, does provide us the opportunity to learn how to live with grief and grow into a stronger version of ourselves.
Although it may seem unattainable at first, we can transform our grief into growth one day at a time by focusing on ourselves.
I call it transforMEtion.
Journaling, reflection, self-care, and an intentional focus on what I had versus what I had lost helped me emerge from the dark chrysalis of pain and transform into a butterfly.
Are you ready to embark on your transforMEtion?
These are our butterfly years.
]]>I’ve never liked the phrase “death anniversary", instead, I prefer using honorversary as the day I honor my loved ones who are no longer with me.
2021 marks the 10th honorversary of my mother, father, and step-mother’s passing. They died within four months of each other from January to April of 2021. Two years after their death, my uncle and two cousins passed away in 2013, and then my beloved stepfather died in 2015.
It’s in their honor that I started to write The Butterfly Years a few years later. This book started out as an opportunity to finish our unfinished conversations. It became my chance to say I love you one more time, and most importantly, keep their memory alive.
I had a fear of forgetting the love and only remembering the loss. Going through the process of writing gave me the space to go back to my childhood, to relive moments I had long forgotten about, and to immortalize a few very special people in my life.
It has been a 3-year journey writing and publishing this book; a personal journey through grief toward hope. And, it’s a vulnerable peek into my heart as I grappled with love and loss, life and death, utter sadness and unexpected hope.
I wrote it because I want to create an opportunity where we can talk about loss, and grief, and death without feeling judged, nor feel we have to rush through to “get over it”.
I wrote The Butterfly Years because I hope it helps others know that although we are on this journey on our own, we are not alone on this path.
During one of my darkest days, I came across this proverb and held on to it with every ounce of courage and hope.
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
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