Today, I'm apprecihating.

by Katty Douraghy

I was journaling today about appreciation and about honoring the lessons I’ve learned along this journey of grief.

I know I can’t turn back time. I can’t undo what has happened. And I can’t bring the dead back. The only choice I have is to move forward and to continue learning how to live with the grief I carry and its lessons.

I move forward because my loved ones can’t. I live not only for myself now, but for those who aren’t here anymore. I live because I can. And for that, I am deeply grateful.

And yet…

As I sat there with my journal, tapping into my gratitude and appreciation, I felt something else rise just as strongly: resentment and anger. I was surprised to find myself circling back to the anger stage. I thought I was over that!! Clearly not.

I resented being in this position at all. I was angry that these lessons came at such a cost. Yes, I do appreciate how much I’ve grown. Yes, I recognize the post-traumatic growth that has shaped me. And yes, I’m grateful for the strength I didn’t know I had. But I still wish none of this had ever happened.

The journaling I did earlier today is a practice called Wild Writing that my friend Laurie leads. She reads a poem, highlights some prompts, and then you write for 15 minutes without letting your pen leave the page, hence the “wild” part of writing. It’s quite liberating to see your thoughts flow without judgment, even if they don't make sense, and simply observe what comes up for you and how your pen guides you.

So, as I wild-wrote about appreciation while noticing this feeling of resentment rise up, a new word appeared on my page: apprecihate.

Appreciating the lessons learned through grief, while hating the circumstances that forced those lessons upon me. Holding gratitude and anger in the same breath. Growth and grief, side by side.

And maybe the most honest part of the grief journey is not having to choose one feeling over the other, but honoring both and allowing them to co-exist.

Anyone else apprecihating grief and loss right now?

You’re not alone. 💔🦋